2010-12-02
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Being spiritual is something that I have thought alot about lately. I live in a Jewish home, raise my daughter believing in the tenets of Judaism, bring her to religious school, and go to services (not as much as we should)….but I know that none of those things are what make me a spiritual person. For me, it goes beyond the concrete religion….for me it is about questioning, believing, and communicating. Principessa has started, in the last few months, asking ALOT of questions. Questions that sometimes, I admit, I would rather her ask at Sunday school because I am not always confident I know the answer, or even if I do..the appropriate way to answer. But then I remember. Learning is just as much part of being spiritual as anything else. Looking for answers, asking questions, reflecting on life…that is what makes me spiritual, and in the end, what I hope to model for Principessa.
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Interestingly, during Rosh Hashanah in September, our Rabbi talked about giving our children a sense of understanding that knowledge is something that you can never have too much of. He suggested that one of the best things we can model for our children is that when they ask us a question, instead of answering it immediately, stopping to pause…and then saying that that indeed was a good question, and maybe we should look the answer up together. Yes, look it up—as in a book (I suppose the web works as well, but a book is a book is a book). The sole act of showing our children that it is worthwhile spending the time to investigate—that is a lesson that is invaluable.
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And so, as Principessa has started asking the hard questions, I have tried to model this sense of continuous learning. After reading Soul to Soul Parenting, A Guide to Raising a Spiritually Conscious Family, by Annie Burnside, I realized that not only was the ability to ask questions a good lesson in life, it was one of the keys to modeling spirituality. Teaching her that being active members in our synagogue community is important, but so is teaching her to question, to imagine, to ponder.
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One of Burnside’s “parenting vehicles” is the idea of having weekly family discussions. This is one strategy that seems particularly appropriate for our family right now. I feel as if we have always been good at asking questions and engaging in discussions. A few months back Prinipcessa wanted to know who the first person on earth was….and then the second. I admit that I was taken aback at the question because it was unexpected, but answering it as a family helped Principess make connections between ideas that she still, several months later, refers back to. Our most recent conversation has been about the idea of tzedakah. Tzedakah is the Hebrew word that some people define as charity. But more than that, it symbolizes a commandment that means doing the right thing….reaching out to help others. Principessa brings money for tzedakah each week to religious school and understands that her change will go to help others. But in her six year old mind, she is having a hard time distinguishing between helping everyone and those who truly need help. Case in point, Principessa has overheard alot of conversations having to do with money lately. With the sale of my former house going down the tubes, there has been a lot of talk about “needing” money. Well…having learned that doing the right thing by giving tzedakah helps others by giving them money, she presented me with a handful of coins the other night. When I asked what it was for, she said it was a gift- tzedakah, because I needed the money.
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First off…..oh my gosh. Here was my daughter, stubborn, sometimes defiant….all those things…giving me, her mom…money. I was in awe. But then I realized that she did not really understand the meaning of tzedakah…or did she? She was doing what she thought was the right thing, and the more that I tried explaining that there are people who “need” more than I do, the more I confused her. As she said, we need food. We need a house. Therefore, by her definition, we need money and she was there, trying to give it to me. We have since spent multiple family discussions on the topic, and still, I am not sure she understands the difference between “need” and “NEED.” And the more I tried giving her specific examples, defintions, and scenarios, the more I realized I was hindering her spirituality. Yes, I want my daughter to understand that many people are less fortunate and that reaching out to help, is something that we should always do. But I also want to foster and celebrate her selflessness, her ability to hear that someone she loves needs something, and her desire to help.
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The best part about her desire to help, was the genuine nature of it. She beamed at the idea of being able to help me. She was joyful, and at that, there is not much one can say other than, wow. Joy is something that I think is sometimes difficult to express, especially when life is so full of moments that are less than joyful. But her joy, in that moment, made me realize that my daughter, my little six year old Principessa, was now coming into her own sense of spirituality. She wanted to help others because it is the right thing to do, she feels joy, she asks questions and reflects on what she learns…. I would say that my job here is done, but I know better.
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This post was inspired by Soul to Soul Parenting: A Guide to Raising a Spiritually Conscious Family by Annie Burnside. Learn more about Annie by visiting her website, Twitter, and Facebook. Her book walks families through parenting “vehicles” to integrate spirituality, themes for understanding, and ideas for activities and discussions. I received a copy of the book for review and all opinions are my own.
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xo
C.Mom
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