Four Walls, One Organ, & A Desk

by Elena on March 12, 2012 in Be Enough Me,Career Transition

A room.  Four walls, two windows, and a closet.  It is just a room.

From a Hysterectomy to a new office | Ciao Mom

Except that it isn’t. These four walls that symbolized much more.

When Rocket and I first started looking for a new house we thought about what we needed. What we wanted in a kitchen, how many bedrooms we would need, etc…  It was at that time that we decided that a new house should have an extra bedroom, for a future “expansion baby.” Yes, you read right. Expansion Baby. We even nicknamed Expansion Baby, “Eb.” It was Rocket’s phrase, and although it struck me as “strange” at first, I did come to adopt the phrase.  And so we looked, for a house with four bedrooms.  One for us, one for Principessa, a guest room, and another room to be used as a guest room–or hopefully, a potential room for Expansion Baby.

We found our house of course. With four bedrooms.  The “expansion baby” room was turned into a guest room-office for me.  I picked a sandstone textured paint color, decorated it to be a soothing place for both guests and for me…and figured that one day, when and if the time came for Expansion Baby, we would repaint and remodel.

The time for Eb never came.  We tried.  But, my body did not cooperate. And so, the room for Eb remained a guest room/office for me.

From a Hsyterectomy to a New Office | Ciao Mom

The room sits, four walls, and an antique desk that was my great grandmother’s.  It is a great desk, but not all that comfortable for writing. A desk that while it is lovely, is not functional.

Just like my female organs.

On Tuesday, I will be losing the organ that would in theory have been home to an Eb for nine months, at the hands of my doctor and his surgical team.  I will leave the hospital one day later,  down an organ and one part, (uterus and a cervix) because my body decided to house cells that though they were not doing anything yet, could have turned on me at any time. Not to mention the fact that instead of acting like a 37 year old body in the prime of it’s life, has decided that being “fully functional” is overrated. They call it peri- menopause. Aka early menopause.

I will come home the next day, one organ and one part down, to my house with four bedrooms.  One of which is not functioning the way that we had hoped it would, a little bit like the ovaries that will continue to call my body their home, despite their lack of work ethic.

So I will do what I know how to do. I will prepare. Not for surgery. Not for lost organs. But for my future. For the future that I am dreaming of as a full time work at home woman.  By buying a new desk.  A desk that will be functional. For a room that will no longer be a possible space for an Eb, or even for a guest. For a room that will be transformed into a space just for me. A home office. Mine…beautiful and functional.

Moving past a hysterectomy to a new office | Ciao Mom

This could very well be my new desk....

Which is why, on the eve of my surgery, I will be heading to Ikea to look for the desk that will help me transform the space. Because clearly, spending an evening at Ikea is the most relaxing way that I could choose to spend my last hours with soon to be taken out organ and part. Call it an act of defiance, call it me trying to make up for the fact that I have not worked out in almost a month and won’t be for another six weeks…call it me trying to find something to make me think of the future instead of the organ and body part that I will soon be without.  Not that I will miss my cervix.  And really, I am not on a first name basis with my uterus.  But somehow, the idea of going to buy a new desk and new light fixtures and who knows what else, will be “doing something” proactive.  To make life about me. To start living a dream that is mine, that will be mine to make fly.

And somehow, that act of defiance…of spending money on my future, ignoring the fact that one day later doctors will making holes in my abdomen, inserting tubes and who knows what else, will be enough. Enough to celebrate the life that I do get to live. Enough to pretend that the removal of the organ that could have been home to the life was not meant to be does not make me sad. Enough. Enough. Enough.

Or so I will tell myself.

Ciao Mom

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angela March 12, 2012 at 12:18 am

I love that you’re taking something that could be scary and making it into something proactive and positive in your life. I can’t wait to see photos of the new room, should you decide to post them. And you know, IKEA has some delicious desserts in their cafeteria, if you’re feeling so inclined :)

Thinking so many good thoughts for you!

Sweaty March 12, 2012 at 12:55 am

Dear Elena, I am sending you my best wishes for a smooth procedure and quick recovery! Can I say again, how much you’ve inspired me? You’ll get through this, and bravo to you for the way you choose to think/perceive the situation. You’re not just sitting around moping for what’s lost, but proactively shaping your thoughts and focus on positive things that are to come.

Love you, sweet friend. You’re one in a million woman, you know that, right? :)

Vicky March 12, 2012 at 7:02 am

Elena- I love you and I love this post. How you are reacting and handling cannot be easy but you are doing it with something beyond grace and dignity. You are defying it and it is inspiring!

I can’t wait to see that new desk!

Kir March 12, 2012 at 7:40 am

My sweet friend…my heart is hurting this week. I don’t know how to put it into words for you but what you are losing is so fundamental to how we view ourselves as women, maybe it’s the infertile in me but I am weepy. Yet, you write…so beautifully about what you will be gaining, the desk, the opportunity, the new adventure…it will be an amazing time for you and I’m thrilled for what you are going to experience. “Make it about me”…my favorite line. LOVE YOU!!!!! My heart is with your heart. Xox

Victoria KP March 12, 2012 at 8:13 am

Wishing you strength–physical and emotional to deal with this.

I think it’s a great idea to buy yourself a new desk as you make this transition–you should throw in a nice comfy chair as well. But then, my paycheck comes from Ikea so I may be a little biased :-).

Lolli @ Better in Bulk March 12, 2012 at 8:15 am

Friend, I will be thinking of you this week. While I am sad for the part that is ending, I am excited for all that is coming for you. I hope you find a wonderful desk that will complete your 4th room. And I hope even more for a quick recovery. Need any visitors this week?? :) Mwah!

Tania Elfersy March 12, 2012 at 11:41 am

As ever, you are an inspiration! Planning beyond sadness; being grateful for opportunities; creating your story and sowing your own seeds from which your future will blossom. You remind me that life is not about what happens to us but our reaction to it. Sending you love and strength and looking forward to read about how your dream evolves :-)

By Word of Mouth Musings March 12, 2012 at 11:51 am

Happy thoughts, sparkly ideas, glittery moods and fashionista plans .. .so many things i wish for you sweet firend.
And this new road you are embarking on is no longer one of what ifs …

By Word of Mouth Musings March 12, 2012 at 11:51 am

Happy thoughts, sparkly ideas, glittery moods and fashionista plans … so many things I wish for you sweet friend.
And this new road you are embarking on is no longer one of what ifs …

Grace {Formerly Gracie} March 12, 2012 at 12:12 pm

You will be in my thoughts this week, my dear friend! I love you so much and am thrilled for your new beginning.

I hope that you have a speedy recovery, knowing that that best is yet to come!

Vinobaby March 12, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Do it, do it, do it. It helps, or at least it helped me. We have the same 4 bedroom house, and I had the same room waiting, hoping, longing for a future occupant. When that dream was beat to hell, I took the room over. A cheerful shade of my favorite color of paint, an up-cycled HUGE desk, my favorite books, my favorite photos… I evicted my regret, welcomed in new hopes and dreams, and started my book.

I now love that room.

Good luck to you tomorrow, and best wishes for a speedy recovery.

You can do it. All of it. I’ll be thinking of you.

Leslie March 12, 2012 at 5:37 pm

You will be in my prayers tomorrow. I hope your recovery is swift and that your new room will be a place where many dreams come true.

Amy @ Counting My Kisses March 12, 2012 at 11:13 pm

I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you tomorrow…best wishes for a quick recovery! Your ability to look ahead is inspiring, thank you for sharing that gift with all of us!

Robin @ Farewell, Stranger March 12, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Sending you SO much love and support. I’ve told you this before, but I can’t imagine how you are feeling. I do, however, love that your sassy self and humour comes through in this post. I’m glad you took the time to do that. Looking ahead to something you’re looking forward to and that is so very possible (and in fact happening) is very healthy, I think.

Good luck tomorrow, and we’ll be here with hugs and office design ideas on the other side. xx

Kristen March 12, 2012 at 11:45 pm

xo… my friend. What a great way to transform a period of mourning into a period of rebirth. **sigh** I really don’t know what to say here. I’m amazed at your strength and your positive outlook. And saddened by your loss – all at the same time. xo

Kelly March 13, 2012 at 9:18 am

No doubt.
You have overcome so much.
No regret.
Acknowledge the sadness.
Grab life
and make it your bitch.

Love you.

Frelle March 13, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Im sending you so much love, and thoughts for endurance and comfort, as well as gratefulness at the optimism you possess and excitement for the future plans and home office you have. I cant imagine the balance of grief and hope and excitement and fear and upheaval in your mind and heart right now. But Im sending you strength and am grateful to listen to your words. *HUG*

Elena March 13, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Thanks so much! Having friends like you make it that much easier. Xoxo

Recovering Supermom March 14, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Blessings to you. I hope your surgery went well. It’s hard to have to let go of a dream of the one day…
I hope your new desk helps to take you through many happy days in the future.

Cindy March 21, 2012 at 5:29 am

Now it’s time to live again, forget the pain and work for your name.

Realize it’s just a have to be – otherwise we would just stop.

In the end of everything tough and stressful there’s always a great reward.

Hope everything is well :)

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