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Guest Post: A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex

September 6, 2017
Guest Post: A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex

Yes…that really is our topic today.  Dr. Lau­rie Mintz is here on C.Mom today to shed light on some­thing that is um.…important.  Rela­tion­ships and mar­riages are hard in gen­eral, but even more so when inti­macy takes a nose dive. And in my case at least, I am the first one to admit that I fall prey to the being tired, want­ing to go to bed early, line of excuses. They are not excuses.…they are true state­ments. But I know that some­times we have to take one for the team… I am just not always very good at that. :)

And so.….without fur­ther ado…an expert, Dr. Lau­rie Mintz.…on how to spice things up.

A TIRED MAMA’S GUIDE TO PASSIONATE SEX: 6 Sexy Guide­lines to Try Today!

Remem­ber the days when you and your hus­band couldn’t keep your hands off each other? If it’s a dis­tant mem­ory for you and you are too tired to care, you are not alone!
“Honey, I’m too tired” may sound like just another excuse—but for mil­lions of Amer­i­can women, it’s sim­ply the truth. They may set­tle for no sex at all or the oblig­a­tory “I’d bet­ter do this for my mar­riage” sex—often to the detri­ment of their rela­tion­ships. In her new book, A Tired Woman’s Guide To Pas­sion­ate Sex, which research has proven to be effec­tive in increas­ing desire and arousal, Dr. Lau­rie B. Mintz shows women how to bring their libido back to life—and put the pas­sion back into their lives.

Com­mu­ni­ca­tion is the bed-rock to make your bed rock: One of my first steps when coun­sel­ing cou­ples, about sex or any other issue, is to teach them the prin­ci­ples and strate­gies of effec­tive com­mu­ni­ca­tion. In more than twenty years of coun­sel­ing, I can’t think of a client I’ve worked with whose com­mu­ni­ca­tion style has not either con­tributed to their prob­lems, been part of their recov­ery, or both. Most peo­ple in our cul­ture have never been explic­itly taught use­ful com­mu­ni­ca­tion skills and those who have often forgo such skills when tight on time, exhausted, or upset. The abil­ity to com­mu­ni­cate effec­tively, par­tic­u­larly when hurt or angry, is an uncom­mon skill, but the key to rela­tion­ship inti­macy. Entire books have been writ­ten on com­mu­ni­ca­tions skills, and I have a chap­ter ded­i­cated to this in my book. One of the most impor­tant tips is to not expect your part­ner to mind-read – about sex or any other issue. Instead, state your needs clearly, lead­ing your sen­tences with the word “I.” Another essen­tial tip is to not ask ques­tions that aren’t ques­tions When a desire is posed as a ques­tion, one of two things often hap­pens:1. the receiver doesn’t real­ize it isn’t a real ques­tion and pro­vides an answer which is not sat­is­fac­tory to the asker; or
2. the receiver becomes defen­sive. Let’s pre­tend that Alice her hus­band, Mar­tin, “Are you work­ing late tonight?” If Mar­tin thinks this is a gen­uine ques­tion, his answer might be, “Yes, I’m work­ing late and will be home around 9:00 p.m.” He would then feel blind­sided when Alice bites into him with “I hate how you are never home at night!” In this case, Mar­tin inno­cently answered what he thought was a true ques­tion. In the sec­ond sce­nario Mar­tin might reply not to the ques­tion but to what he per­ceives as an accu­sa­tion. Martin’s defen­sive answer might be, “I can’t help it that I have to work late! I am under a lot of pres­sure and you’re mak­ing it worse!” Cer­tainly, in either case, ask­ing a non-question ends in neg­a­tiv­ity. This is true when the ques­tion is sex­ual as well. Think about a woman pos­ing the ques­tion, “Do you feel like hav­ing sex tonight?” This non-question can have many pos­si­ble mean­ings. It can even mean one thing one time and some­thing totally dif­fer­ent another time! This ques­tion could mean “I hope you aren’t horny, because I would love to just cud­dle tonight”or “I’m horny and want to have sex”. Clearly, the ques­tion “Do you want to have sex?” can mean many dif­fer­ent things because it isn’t a sin­cere ques­tion. For one week, try to not ask ques­tions that aren’t really ques­tions and ask your part­ner to do the same. I think you will be pleas­antly surprised.

Ask your hus­band to engage in more chore-play: Research has con­firmed what women already are keenly aware of: Women whose hus­bands do their share around the house are hap­pier and more desirous of sex. Women need to make this abun­dantly clear to their spouses. Remem­ber­ing the impor­tance of com­mu­ni­ca­tion skills, don’t ask “Will you do the dishes?” and instead explain clearly your need for your part­ner to do more around the house. Make it clear that you are likely to feel more sex­ual if, while you are doing the din­ner dishes, he grabs a dish towel instead of your breasts.

Your most impor­tant sex organ is between your ears, not your legs: Likely the rea­son that chore-play works so well is because it gives women more time to relax – some­thing research finds is nec­es­sary for women’s sex­ual arousal. Sci­en­tists scanned the brains of a small group of men and women while they were being stim­u­lated by their part­ners and found that for the women (but not men), the part of the brain respon­si­ble for anx­i­ety shuts down as they become aroused. These find­ings also explain why it’s impos­si­ble to have an orgasm while think­ing about your unfolded laun­dry or unre­turned emails, some­thing research also shows women do more often than men. Learn­ing the prin­ci­ples of mind­ful­ness – stay­ing in a com­plete present focus – can help women deal with dis­tractibil­ity dur­ing sex. It is help­ful for women to learn to turn their busy brains off dur­ing sex, and instead allow them­selves to fully immerse in their bod­ily sen­sa­tions. An equally impor­tant way that women can har­ness the power of the sex organ between their ears is to think about sex dur­ing the day. Tune into the sen­su­al­ity and sex­u­al­ity around you. Take it a step fur­ther by stop­ping what you are doing a few times a day and think about sex. In short, use the sex organ between your ears by think­ing about sex when you aren’t able to have it (e.g., in the midst of the work day or mak­ing lunch for your kids) and turn off your brain when you are hav­ing sex to revel in the fab­u­lous sen­sa­tions in your body.

Night time is not the right time: Count­less women tell me that when they get in bed at night, the last thing on their mind is sex. They just want to go to sleep. There is inter­est­ing evi­dence that testos­terone, which is par­tially respon­si­ble for our sex drive, is at its low­est at night. Between exhaus­tion and decreased testos­terone, bed­time is not the ideal time for many women to have sex. As noted by my friend Jean, “It’s hard to find time alone with kids run­ning around, but that’s a prob­lem because the only time we have is too late at night for me.” To get around this, one cou­ple I know sets their alarm an hour early every Fri­day morn­ing. Another has arranged rides for their son to his weekly Boy Scout troop meet­ing, giv­ing them an hour and a half at home each Mon­day after din­ner. Let go of the myth that bed­time is the “right” time for sex, and instead, embrace the notion that the right time is when it works for you and your partner.

You can’t go from being an ice cube to boil­ing water: We are born with the need for skin-to-skin con­tact. Stud­ies con­ducted in orphan­ages and hos­pi­tals reveal that infants who aren’t touched lose weight, become ill and even die. On the other hand, pre­ma­ture babies who are pro­vided with touch gain weight faster, cry less, and have improved pulse and res­pi­ra­tion rates. Your sex drive mir­rors these find­ings. With­out touch, your sex drive shriv­els and dies. Con­versely, lov­ing, sex­ual, and affec­tion­ate touch can all help to reju­ve­nate your libido. Rarely will a tired mom ini­ti­ate sex or respond with ready pas­sion to a spouse’s advances if there has not been con­nected touch­ing through­out the day and week. As stated by Nadine, my seventy-five-year-old friend who has had a sat­is­fy­ing sex life over the course of her fifty-five-year mar­riage, “You need to be defrosted. If you haven’t been touched all day and go to bed at night, you’re an ice cube. It’s hard to go from an ice cube to boil­ing water. Being touched dur­ing the day warms you up.” But, just any touch won’t do. Some touch warms you up and some touch frosts you fur­ther. For touch of the melt­ing vari­ety, I rec­om­mend that cou­ples touch each other affec­tion­ately three times a day. I also rec­om­mend the same amount of sex­u­ally provoca­tive touch – tit­il­lat­ing, insin­u­at­ing touch at a time and place that sex is impos­si­ble. Remem­ber that car in your parent’s dri­ve­way – the touch cer­tainly wasn’t going to end in sex, but it sure was excit­ing. Rekin­dle that feeling.

Men are microwaves and women are crock-pots: When a woman laments that she gets lit­tle sex­ual sat­is­fac­tion, the prob­lem often not enough fore­play and instead, too much focus on the goal of inter­course. Dur­ing inter­course, the cli­toris is only indi­rectly stim­u­lated and this is why only a minor­ity of women orgasm through pen­e­tra­tion alone. In order for a woman to reach orgasm, she gen­er­ally must have her cli­toris in con­tact with some­thing and it must be stim­u­lated. How much stim­u­la­tion? There is great vari­abil­ity among women. Like­wise, an indi­vid­ual woman her­self will vary, depend­ing on many things. Among these are her level of exhaus­tion and her abil­ity to turn off her busy brain. Still, aver­ages are inter­est­ing. On aver­age, men take four min­utes to reach orgasm, once they begin inter­course. Women take some­where around eleven min­utes and this is not eleven min­utes of inter­course. It is eleven min­utes of stim­u­la­tion. Not all women know this. Even fewer men seem to know this. What’s more, women often don’t tell men this. Women don’t always tell their part­ners that they need time to get aroused or how to arouse them. This takes us right back to the first tip. The most impor­tant advice for sex­ual sat­is­fac­tion is to know what you like and to com­mu­ni­cate this to your part­ner. This means that if you, like many women, are a slow cooker – tell your part­ner about your slow cook­ing time and the ingre­di­ents you need to turn up the heat.

Dr. Mintz is a tired woman who has regained her once-lost pas­sion and a psy­chol­o­gist with more than fif­teen years of expe­ri­ence help­ing count­less women do the same. She has a PhD in psy­chol­ogy and is a licensed psy­chol­o­gist with a wealth of expe­ri­ence coun­sel­ing women and cou­ples. Thanks to fol­low­ing her own advice, she enjoys a pas­sion­ate and sat­is­fy­ing sex­ual rela­tion­ship with her hus­band of twenty-two years. She lives in Colum­bia, Mis­souri.

—–

Um…so ok…I have some things to work on.  Prob­a­bly my grumpy-ness not a big help in this depart­ment. The whole chore play idea?  Inter­est­ing.  Rocket already does a lot of chores…  Oops. The night­time piece though…yes, yes, and yes.  I want to sleep at night. Though ok, I want to work­out or get ready for work first thing in the am. So Rocket can’t really win around our house.

What about you all?  Any­one else in the “needs work” group?