In Service of Myself

2010-09-13

How many times this past week have you said, “I have to…”?  How many times have you said “I should…”?  This week, the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse is all about ditching the sense of obligation. Now, if you are like me, you start making a list of all the things you do–and for each one, a reason that you have to do it.  I can come up with a good reason- and sometimes more than one, to justify each of the “extras” that I do each day.  Maybe it is because “it will be easier” for me to do it instead of someone else, or maybe it is because “it will be quick” and sometimes I probably even convince myself that “I want to do it.”  The reality is that the majority of these to do’s–could very well be done by someone else.  By someone other than me.  The truth is that I am a control freak—that is why I put these things on myself.  It is rarely about being easier for me, or because it is quick…but rather, because there are so few things out in the world that I CAN control so instead of sitting idly by, I have to “do.”

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So there it is, I am a control freak. I like to do things myself, to have a list a mile long of “have to’s” because it means that those things will get done MY way.  Yes, I know that my way is not always best.  That Principessa can be fed or bathed by someone else, and that although it is different than when I do it, it will be fine.  But I like my way.  I need to believe in my way.

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I have never really been good at taking care of me.  Admitting that I was dealing with depression this past year made me take stock in my to do list….I was forced to evaluate things and attempt to take care of me.  It has not been easy. There are gung ho weeks and then there are “crashing off the wagon” weeks.

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I have spent the last several months trying to learn to say no. It still is not something I have perfected…but I am better (sort of).  The thing that has developed is that I have started getting protective about my time…very protective. I have gotten very good (sometimes to the dismay of others) for example, at saying no things that might conflict with “me” time. Sometimes my perception is wrong. Sometimes (okay often) when I do end up saying yes to something, I end up feeling better.  (but I don’t like to admit that out loud)

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I admit that sometimes I use the excuse of needing me time to hide or avoid.  I am not sure what it is I am hiding from or avoiding…but sometimes it happens.  Actually I think that my inability to say no to things, especially at work, is another way to hide or avoid. By staying busy, I have to be focused, and my mind does not have time to wander and ponder all the what ifs in life.  .

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Sometimes it feels good to say no.  And sometimes saying no, is good for others.  Sometimes my saying no, forces someone else to do something that might be out of their comfort zone.  And even if their way will not look the same as if I had done it, I am learning to get over that.  (kind of). 

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.Sometimes though, it feels good to say yes.  This weekend, I took Principessa to religious school. It was her first morning of religious school in our new synagogue and she was nervous. Hey, who are we kidding? I was nervous too.  We have been members for several months, but I really have not gotten to know anyone.  And so as my amazing little girl joined the circle in her class, I decided that I would do something….take on something…but not because it felt like an obligation. I was signing up to be “executive parent” for me…so that I could push myself to meet new people, and hopefully to make connections within the community….so that I could feel “part of it.” This new “to do” sounds to most (including Rocket and Principessa’s dad) as one more thing I am piling on my plate…but the reality is that this is one of the only things I have taken on in the last few months that I can honestly say, I did for me because “I want to.”

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My inner mean girl thrives on my taking on too much. On my becoming such a wound up ball of stress that I cannot sleep at night because a zillion thoughts of all that I need to do are prancing around my head.  She thrived on my need to be in control and my inability to let things go.  My only defense is to say no to the things that I can say no to, and say yes to the things that serve myself. Things that make me feel good.  Things that make me feel like my participation has meaning and purpose.  Sometimes I am not good at finding the balance…but I can only hope that one day, it will get easier. And that the more I take care of me, and act in service of myself, that I will want to start saying yes to all the other things that once seemed like obligations.

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xo

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C.Mom

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I am par­tic­i­pat­ing in the 40 Day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse because my inner mean girl needs to be put in her place…Do you have an inner mean girl?  What obligations has she made you do today?

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