It is all about Awareness

2010-08-30

My inner mean girl is sneaky.  She can be manipulative, she can be dishonest, she can have ulterior motives.  But her power is something that only I can control.  I can choose to listen. I can choose to be persuaded. I can choose to be led down a path that is bad, bad, bad.  The only way to avoid her power, is to be AWARE, to pay attention to the person that I see in the mirror.  I need to be aware of my feelings. I need to be aware of my thoughts. I need to be aware of my words.

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One of the things that I, as many other women, fall prey to, is gossip.  I admit that I have participated in gossip.  About friends, about family members, about people that I do not even know. Sometimes I am a participant without even saying a word. My mere act of being part of a conversation without trying to dissuade the topic, is participation. It took me a little bit of thinking to realize how gossip is related to my inner mean girl.  And after alot of thinking, and 10.25 miles of running…it came to me.

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I do not have the highest self esteem.  I had friends growing up, but never considered myself part of the “in crowd.” I worried about what people thought of me. I worried about what people were saying about me.  I worried about not being good enough.  Sadly, much of that is still true.  It is no wonder that I became overwhelmed with the events of my life to the point of depression…my inner mean girl thrives on my insecurities.  And those insecurities lead me to become involved in judging others. I judge…I admit it. I used to be hard on my mom for judging others, and even called her a snob.  What I realized though is that I do the same thing. I don’t think that I intend for it to be malicious.  I don’t think I intend for it to be nasty.  But when I participate in gossip, I am trying to make myself feel better, at the expense of someone else.  When I listen to gossip, even as an unspoken participant, I am using someone else’s difficulties to make myself “not as bad.”

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Some might say that not all gossip is bad, but any talk about someone else, that MIGHT make them feel less than good, is gossip.  And frankly, given that interpretation….is not something that sounds like a good thing.  The problem, for me at least, is that sometimes I am not even aware that I am making these judgments or comments because it has almost become a habit.  Which means, that awareness is key.  If I am aware, I can be intentional in my talk. I can use words that are empowering and genuine instead of hurtful or negative.  I can be impeccable with my words. I can use talk to create positive energy…instead of spreading negativity.

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This is hard, it involves shifting my thinking.  But I think about the way that I have felt about myself over the last year and the extent to which I was involved in gossip.  The deep lows, the negative spiral, the constant judging (often critically) of others.  I knew that I felt bad, but my awareness of the intensity and power of these feelings, and this inner talk was skewed.  It felt as if all of this was happening TO me.  That I had no power over any of it- but the truth is that the majority of these feelings evolved from my inner mean girl.  Without awareness and intentionality, one can only avoid feeling lower than low for so long before it becomes all consuming.  And for me, it became all consuming.

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I am now able to realize that my words have power.  They have power within my own head, and they have power with others.  Not that I am able to persuade large (or small) groups of people to feel the way I feel, but we each give off energy.  And giving off negative energy is contagious…but so is giving off positive energy.

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Awareness will take effort.  It will not happen overnight.  And it will definitely push my limitations.  But I agree with Neale Donald Walsh when he said:

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“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

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Pushing my comfort zone will help me develop my awareness, and help me be impeccable with my word…with my actions and with my life.

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I am participating in the 40 Day Inner Mean Girl Cleanse because my inner mean girl needs to be put in her place…Do you have an inner mean girl?

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xo

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C.Mom

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I am participating in the Inner Mean Girl 40-day Cleanse as a Self-Love Ambassador. To thank me for my participation, I will receive a self-love gift from the founders of the Inner Mean Girl Reform School.