I Am Not Ready

by Elena on December 20, 2011 in All About Me

 

This is not how I expected the year to end.

Feeling warm, flushed….yet having no temperature.

Feeling disoriented, distracted, disorganized, and forgetful.

Feeling quick to pounce, and not in control of the flood gates that are my eyes.

Feeling agitated and restless.

Feeling too lethargic to workout, too fatigued, too spent.

I thought that my 37th year of life might be the year that I conceived another child.  Not the year that came face to face with menopause.

And although my head knew it was a possibility, I never thought that I would be facing a new year, preparing to change my body forever in one foul, laparoscopic, swoop.

They are just organs. I have my health.  It will be better afterwards.

I know this all to be true.

But I am in mourning.

I am not ready.

I  had big plans for 2012.  I still have big plans.  I just may not be able to get to them all.

xo

Elena

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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Holly December 20, 2011 at 8:23 pm

I love your honesty. We all have good days and bad days and I am grateful you have words to express your emotions. You always see the bright side eventually and that is unique and why you are so special. Here’s to 2012. May you have more easy days.

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Elena December 22, 2011 at 9:16 am

Thanks Holly. For both us I hope that 2012 brings tranquility (and more time together!!!)

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Sweaty December 20, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Dear Elena, thank you for being so honest and always telling your story like it is. It’s what makes you inspiring–both your strengths and your weaknesses–because you’re human just like the rest of us, and yet you managed to rise above your circumstances and see the silver lining.

The end of the year has always been a time of mixed feelings for me. Although December is my favorite month (I love Christmas time, the excitement of New Year’s Eve, and the fact that my birthday is in December :), it also means the end of another year. Alarm bells would ring in my head, crowding my mind with all the should haves and reminding me of what I have not yet accomplished.

I’m not going to tell you to be strong, because you already are. Do take the time to mourn, because you have the right to do so. For a woman, facing menopause at any age is not easy. Not only for the physiological changes, but also for what it mentally signifies.

I can relate to how you feel about planning for another child vs. realizing the finality of your situation. Not exactly the same situation, but when my husband asked me for a divorce earlier this year, one of the first things that came to my mind was how I would never have the chance to have another child, or at least one that would have the same set of parents as my 7 year-old daughter. It took me years to sum up the courage to try for another child (I had Postpartum Psychosis following my daughter’s birth), and now that I’m ready, my marriage ends.

Know that you are in my prayers and in my thoughts. That I wish I were there to give you a warm hug. But we, women, are amazing creatures. I believe that. We would get back up and become better because of it.

xo

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Elena December 21, 2011 at 7:15 am

Oh Sweaty, that means so very much. Even though I knew all of this was a probability, it was just “different” when the words came out of my doctors mouth. And truly, I know that I am lucky. I have my health in overall terms, which is a lot more than friends or loved ones that are struggling each day to fight for theirs….but yes, I am going to let myself be sad for a little bit. So much love to you during what I know is a hard time. xo

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cat December 21, 2011 at 12:03 am

Sending you love — I’m grateful that 2011 was our year!

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Elena December 21, 2011 at 7:12 am

Thanks Cat!!! I am grateful for that too, and many other things. This just took the wind out of me. xo

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Elizabeth Flora Ross December 21, 2011 at 7:56 am

I thought I was facing menopause earlier this year. Had all the symptoms. The OB even thought that was it based on what I described. So I can relate to this, and to what you are feeling (except that I did not plan to have any more children). I was freaking out. Then tests revealed it is not menopause. No clue what it is, but it was a wake up call for sure. And a reminder that the time IS coming. I will be entering a different phase of my life, ready or not.

These transitions are not easy. It is appropriate to mourn, and I applaud you for giving yourself permission to do so. And for being strong enough to embrace change and keep a positive outlook. Every end brings a new beginning.

All the best to you in 2012 and beyond. :)

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Elena December 22, 2011 at 9:17 am

Thanks Elizabeth. Yes….I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason…even if I cannot see what the reason is, just yet.

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Shell December 21, 2011 at 9:18 am

You might be facing a change right now- but I know you will make the best of it!

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Elena December 22, 2011 at 9:17 am

Thanks Shell!

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Jackie December 21, 2011 at 9:24 am

I don’t really know exactly what to say, except I applaud your honesty. I hope 2012 gives you everything you so desire!

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Elena December 22, 2011 at 9:18 am

Thanks Jackie. I am nothing if not honest :) And I hope so too!

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angela December 21, 2011 at 9:35 am

I’m so sorry that your plans aren’t working out the way you expected. I am perfectly confident that you will handle this change with strength and grace, as you do all things, but I will send hugs for your mourning. It is absolutely understandable.

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Kristen December 21, 2011 at 9:46 am

I think it’s happening to me too. Ugh. The hot flashes. The weird feelings. It is just… I’m not ready either. I’m still in my 30′s too. I live in PA and have yet to wear a jacket this year. Pretty sure this is not normal… so I’m completely feeling you. Wishing you a happy 2012. Love the positive outlook. Kristen

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Beth December 21, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Do they know why this is happening?

I’m sorry. I agree that you should give yourself time to mourn. Then tell yourself that’s enough and get on with making new plans!

xoxox

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Elena December 22, 2011 at 9:19 am

Left over side effects of my chemo way back when. Probably. Who knows with me. Seriously, we laugh in my family because the only thing that we know for sure about my body is that it never does what it expected.

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Klz December 21, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Oh, Elena. I’m so sorry. You are entitled to mourn as much as you’d like. Hope 2012 brings wonderful things for you regardless.

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Elena December 22, 2011 at 9:20 am

Thanks lady!!! I will have to live vicariously through your new adventures :)

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By Word of Mouth Musings December 21, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Life is not fair … when all is said and done and we know we have to look on the bright side and be grateful for all we have – the little voice inside wants to be able to throw ourselves on the floor and scream and cry and lament and grieve … and that is okay. Granted we have to do most of it inside our heads otherwise there is a pretty good chance those men in their little white coats will come and take us away.
But a mental foot stamping going on over here in your honor sweet friend, because sometimes life just deals us a shitty hand and we are allowed to mourn!
Love ya always, you remain an inspiration to me and I heart you very, very much xxx

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Elena December 22, 2011 at 9:21 am

Thanks for that mental foot stamping. I think that I felt rage the other night after coming home from the drs office. True rage. As in I pictured myself in a padded room lashing out at the walls. We all need one of those rooms once in a while I suppose. Now I just have to move on…plug ahead. xoxo I heart you too!!!

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Jamie December 21, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Here’s to 2012 and the positive thinking along the way!

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Kindredadventures December 22, 2011 at 9:01 am

I still don’t have words for your pain. You are so brave to share this. There are so many woman out there who adore you and who you have made a difference to. Woman you have been there for and will be here for you now… and will be here with you through all of this. This still breaks my heart but your words were beautiful, pure and honest. I am still here if you need absolutely anything!!

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Elena December 22, 2011 at 9:22 am

Thank you kind friend! I feel very lucky to have this space, and people like you, knowing that we are all there for one another.

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Kelly December 22, 2011 at 9:34 am

Oh, my dear friend.

That totally sucks! And it is so ok to say that out loud and feel it with every fiber of your being. I know when the mourning process is done (and it will be), you will move on and conquer your goals…because you are one hell of a strong woman.

xoxo

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Jessica McFadden December 22, 2011 at 11:34 am

Don’t give up hope!! I know I do not know all the details, but Alice came while I was beginning menopause and after my doctors had told me the end was on the horizon, periods started to wane. I will be praying for you, for either a miracle or strong sense of peace in 2012. I love you.

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Elena December 22, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Thanks Jessica. It has been a long road…lots of symptons, that in the end, have made it hard to be me lately. as much as it saddens me, having a plan helps me know that maybe I can get the parts of me that have been lost in crazed hormones and other symptoms, back.

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Frelle December 23, 2011 at 8:47 pm

You’ve been on my mind since we chatted the other night, and I am sending strength and endurance, and love and comfort your way. Thank you for writing your heart here, and keep writing about this, as you process, and know we love you and are listening.

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Renee Schuls-Jacobson December 24, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I understand. I didn’t not expect my womb to break after child number one. I had pretty dreams. Different expectations, to say the least. But I have adapted.

After lots of grief.

Crying.

Holding hands with friends.

Howling.

Long baths.

And I have come to peace with it all.

And 12 years later, I get it. I was made to have one child. I was made to do other things. I was made to move forward, not stay shackled to a diaper bag.

So be sad. Be soft with yourself. And in time, you will see this makes perfect sense. You just don’t know why yet.

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Sara at Saving For Someday December 26, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Elena,

As a mom of one daughter, I relate to a lot of what you say. Although I’m a few years older than you, I’ve been dealing with ‘the change’ for several years now. Perimenopause is a cruel joke – an emotional roller coaster AND a monthly reminder that you can’t stop the dang thing!

Sometimes I have a pity party, with cocktails and cupcakes. Feel free to stop in any time. Hugs to you as you face this challenge.

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