Spring has sprung. This year, the season hit me with more than just pollen. It hit me in the closet. It hit me on the scale. It hit me with tears and with self-doubt. Sadly, I know I am not alone as a mom, as a woman, doubting herself. Wishing that I looked different, wishing that the hours spent running or measuring my portions would start showing themselves instead of just mocking me. But then I started thinking. This is not a “reclaiming me” mentality. It occurs to me that one day, Principessa will be a woman. She will be a teenager even sooner….and with that comes self-reflection, self-judgment, and then self-doubt. I wish that I could spare her these moments, but I know that I cannot. But what I can do is try, to be a mom that feels good about myself instead of sad about my favorite pair of jeans being too tight.
I want her to see a mom that is happy, a mom that laughs, and a mom that loves. Seeing me cry occasionally isn’t a bad thing, it makes me human. But crying over clothes? There is so much true sadness in the world….my size does not come even close to comparing.
I do not want Principessa to become the woman that she has heard crying behind a closed closet door. Or the one that won’t eat a piece of cake because it is too many points. I want her to remember my wearing a silly Dalmatian costume and reading chapter books with her at bedtime. I want her to remember my singing in the car with her as we drive to school. I want her to remember me as a runner, as someone who wanted to be healthy.
She does not always appreciate my need to run or workout. We have had multiple conversations that stem from her frustration that we come home from school and I go workout instead of playing. I have tried explaining that a fit me is better for all of us. She gets it, sort of. I know that I should get up early in the morning so as not to take away from the time with her…but in the end, that does not always happen. And so I keep explaining. Or trying.
Coming back from my five mile run this morning I tried to show her how happy I felt to have accomplished it. To have run up the very last hill, to have run through the hip pain. I want her to see how the accomplishment of achieving a goal feels. The truth is that as much as I need her to see this, I need to believe it as well. It is fine and good for me to want to be a role model for her….to have her see a mom that is happy and that feels confident about herself. But more than that, I know that I need all of that for me too. I need to walk the walk and exude it…and so I keep going.
Last week was a good workout week. The scale did not change, but I went to spin, got back to my P90x, and ran twice. In truth I feel as if I am starting over (again) with my goals. But more than that, I realize how important it is to feel good…..I am healthy. I have a loving and wonderful family. I have a husband who is an angel. I have a daughter that is…well she just is. And for all of that, I cannot be the woman that cries in the closet.
What about you…what are you realizing?
xo
C.Mom
This post is a revised version of an article, From Inside the Closet on my shared Real Life, Real Moms column on the Chantilly Patch.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I am sort of at a re-start for my year as well. I am also counting my blessings as I have so much to be thankful for.
It was amazing- doing the chest, shoulders, back workout…I think was stronger the first time I tried it on day 1.
It made me go back and look at my calendar…which was quite eye opening. So much for consistency. Hoping for a better outcome this second time around.
The nice thing is you are not starting over… just hitting a bump and getting re-motivated. After the MILI challenge you can’t tell me that you are back where you were in January. You are running… you are working everyday to be fit and healthy. I agree with you on so many points about the Mother/Daughter dynamic. I hate that my Mother never ate and was tiny. So proud of being 115 lbs. I was on diet after diet with her and I will never do that to my daughter. I want food to be for fuel, and because we want to play harder. I want her to say her Mom was a healthy woman, not thin.
Have a great week! Keep up your hard work.
I think about this so much with my kids (a boy and a girl). My husband and I both have to really watch our weight, so we both want to model healthy healthy healthy behaviors, so that maybe we can save our kids from waking up one day having to make a HUGE CHANGE because nobody ever taught them how to be healthy.
Does that mean saying no to cake ALL THE TIME? no! Does it mean being a SLAVE to the gym? NO! But maybe, jusssst maybe we can help them be moderate.
Great post!
I love every word you wrote. Really makes me rethink some of the things I’ve done. Thank You!
Good for you. I want my daughters to see the happy me too and not the one obsessing the struggle to lose weight.
thank you for this post I love it because it make me think which is a good thing. It really made me stop and go ok what have I done!
I look forward to your posts because they are always great reminders of how we should all be. Clothes can make me cry too, but then I remember where I started. The number on the scale does not define me
and you help me remember that each and every week. Thank you!
I’m realizing we as women are so much the same. We’ve all been in that closet. But the most important thing is to look into the eyes of our daughters and say, “Come on.”