This weekend I played with my family. I went out to a lovely dinner and even took in a show at the theater. I brainstormed and looked into a future trip to Italy and I did some writing. There was one thing that I did not do that had been on my original to do list. I did NOT run the half marathon that I had been scheduled to run.
And the truth is, although I woke up Sunday thinking that I was missing a perfectly temperate fall day to run 13.1 miles, I did not regret my choice.
I decided not to run because I knew I was not ready. And say as I might that time does not matter, feeling strong does matter. And I would not have finished those miles feeling strong. I would have finished upset with myself, listening to all the inner running demons that occupy space in my head. And so, I stopped. I listened to my body. And I am taking the time I need to set new goals.
My first new goal is to start small. Who cares that I have run two marathons, a half dozen half marathons, and who knows how many ten milers? Who cares that I competed in two triathlons this summer? Those events are part of me, but they are not the me of today.
The me of today needs to regroup. Find the love in running once again. Feel the wind on my face as I ride my bike. Feel the chlorine on my skin as I swim. I need to go back to the basics, and focus. One step after another. One workout after another.
I will not sign up for any BIG distance races until I know that I am on the right path. I will not set myself up for failure and disappointment.
Instead, I will run a 5k that involves chocolate with Jodi and Amy who have recently just entered the world of 5k races. They feel the excitement, the awe, and the strength in a way that I felt a long time ago….something that I think I had forgotten. Something that I need to remember.
I will sign up for a race that Principessa and I can do together.
I will get outside, on my bike and I will go inside, to the pool.
I will. I will. I will.
And one day, in the not so distant future, I will think BIG again. But for today, I will focus on accepting the fact that I lost my way and will fight my way back, no shortcuts, no side stepping, just hard work.